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My Husband’s Ex Is Attempting to Flip My Little Homeschooling Scenario Right into a Whole Zoo

It’s Recommendation Week! In On Second Thought, we’ll revisit questions from the archives and dig into how a lot has modified since Slate started giving recommendation in 1997—and the way a lot hasn’t. Learn all tales right here.

For this version of Care and Feeding, we unearthed questions submitted to Slate in 2020. We’ve requested as we speak’s columnists to weigh in with modern-day sensibilities.

On July 13, 2020, “Can’t Train Everybody” wrote to Pricey Prudence:

I’m at the moment home-schooling my 7-year-old son and 5-year-old daughter, since I’ve an schooling diploma. My 12-year-old stepdaughter has moved in with us full-time as a result of everybody agrees the pandemic won’t be over by August. “Anna” is my stepdaughter’s mom, and she or he has two stepdaughters of her personal. They’re solely a bit of youthful than my stepdaughter and reside primarily with their mom. I’m accustomed to the ladies, since they’ve usually joined the opposite youngsters in household actions, however have solely met their mom a number of occasions. Anna has requested my husband and me to incorporate her stepdaughters within the home-schooling. She, her husband, and their mom can be unable to look after them. Their mom would drop them off at my home for “college hours.”

I admire her want, and we don’t have a foul relationship, however I don’t know what the ladies are like at college or what their instructional wants are. I have already got my palms full making a center college curriculum for my stepdaughter, along with one for my very own kids.
How will we disengage the request whereas conserving our co-parenting relationship strong? This isn’t simply watching them for a weekend! Assist.

On the time, Prudence replied:

I believe you simply inform her which you can’t do it and hope that she responds rationally and compassionately, as an alternative of torpedoing your co-parenting relationship in retaliation. As you say, Anna’s in a tough state of affairs, however attempting to show two elementary-age college students and three junior excessive–age college students 5 days per week is not any small feat and would imply creating—and instructing!—a number of lesson plans concurrently. You may encourage Anna to talk to a few of her stepdaughters’ associates’ dad and mom about sharing lesson plans, distant and at-home instructing, and/or little one care. However I believe you’re proper to show down this request, and I’ve each confidence that you are able to do so respectfully, citing your personal limitations of time, vitality, and sources, with out both breaking a promise or feeling responsible.

Care and Feeding’s recommendation from the long run:

There’s a big distinction between homeschooling three kids–already a tough job!—and homeschooling 5 kids. It might be one factor if all the children had been the identical age, however you’re already coping with three totally different educational ranges as it’s. Moreover, except their mom, stepmother and father all earn a living from home (and even when they do), having the ladies come to your own home every day will increase the chance that somebody in your quick household will contract COVID. You might have each proper to say that this is just too tall an order for you and that you simply don’t have the capability to show the entire kids. If these two different ladies can attend their common college remotely, then maybe you could think about permitting them to spend the varsity days with you, with the understanding that if they can not behave, this association can’t proceed. In any other case, it is best to really feel no guilt about merely saying no.

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On Aug. 9 2020, “Blinded by Love” wrote to Care and Feeding:

I do know you’ve coated setting boundaries with household/associates in reference to the virus earlier than, however I want some extra help. I’m overdue to have my first child any minute now, and am having a tough time dealing with all of the requests to fulfill him. Everybody appears to suppose they’re doing a wonderful job quarantining, however I’ve observed some unintentional dishonesty from family members. For instance, a pal mentioned, “It is best to come by. We earn a living from home and get groceries delivered so we haven’t seen anybody in two months.” However once I did “come by,” I heard this: “Oh yeah, my sister made this wonderful chili after we went over final weekend!” Conditions like these (I haven’t truly gone close to different individuals since this expertise, however this form of discrepancy comes up in dialog with others if I pay attention lengthy sufficient) have rattled me. Now I’m concurrently mournful about the opportunity of my child not seeing anybody however his dad and mom, uncle, and grandma till some legendary future time, and paralyzed by the thought that I can’t belief my individuals (and determined to know the way to specific this with out being merciless).

Complicating issues is that my two closest associates are keen to fulfill him and it feels unsuitable to harm them through exclusion. One has a husband who works in NYC, so I really feel strongly that this represents too massive a threat—however I’m having a tough time coping with the ache I do know that is inflicting her, particularly as a result of she feels simply as strongly that there isn’t a giant threat (although she’s being graciously respectful of my needs, and never pushing). My different closest pal is within the medical discipline! I do know that permitting her to carry my child is just not the most secure factor to do, nevertheless it’s unthinkable to think about her NOT. She is extra conscious of the dangers and extra cautious than anybody I do know (however nonetheless, she works in a hospital—although she hasn’t seen COVID-19 sufferers in months, as she focuses on surgical procedure). I’m uncomfortable having a unique normal for various individuals, nevertheless it appears ridiculous to not let her be with my child! Sigh. That is so laborious. My accomplice, by the best way, is on board with no matter I determine.

On the time, C&F replied, partially:

… My feeling about all of that is that you simply do get to have totally different “requirements” for various individuals. You get to decide on, whether or not your decisions are logical or not (and keep in mind that the less contacts total, the safer, so you might be reducing your—and your toddler’s—threat by conserving contact right down to as few individuals as you’ll be able to). Resolve who you’re feeling OK about based mostly on no matter metric feels proper to you. And on the subject of telling the individuals you like that they will’t go to, use this age-old trick—blaming your self: “I do know I could also be being irrational/I do know I’m most likely being overprotective, and I really feel horrible about this, nevertheless it’s what I’ve to proper now. I’m so sorry.” Don’t inform individuals you like that you simply don’t belief them. Don’t name them out on their very own illogic. Simply Say No.

Inform all of them that as quickly as you’re positive it’s protected, you’ll be thrilled to have them meet the infant in individual (and till then, depend on video calls). Oh, and for these individuals you determine are the exceptions, like your pal who works in a hospital? Make a no-social-media-posts (no photographs on Instagram, no “I’m so comfortable I obtained to fulfill my expensive pal’s child!” tweet) rule. It’s the least they will do in gratitude to your letting your self be blinded by love.

Care and Feeding’s recommendation from the long run:

These unprecedented occasions name for measures which will appear excessive however are important to conserving us and our family members protected. It’ll definitely be tough to restrict your new child’s interactions to a choose group of individuals in your pandemic “bubble,” however it’s needed. The world will ultimately get again to some semblance of regular and also you’ll be capable of introduce your bundle of pleasure to your besties then. Your pal who works within the medical discipline, of all individuals, ought to be a bit extra cautious than it seems like she is. Additionally, you’ve already noticed how individuals might be lower than trustworthy concerning the quantity of publicity they’ve needed to of us exterior their residence; your toddler is simply too weak so that you can be taking dangers together with her well being proper now. Isolating ourselves for months on finish is way from perfect, nevertheless it’s a needed step we’ve to take to gradual the transmission of COVID-19. When vaccines grow to be broadly out there, you’ll be able to plan to let your pals come see your child.

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On March 29, 2020, “A Lengthy Highway Forward” wrote to Care and Feeding:

My nervousness about COVID-19 is thru the roof. I’ve two kids, ages 1 and three, who at the moment are residence indefinitely in my household’s try and socially distance. My downside is that now with each cough that any of us have (my husband and I are recovering from colds and now it appears the children have caught it), I discover myself on-line Googling signs. I’ve a digital appointment with my therapist scheduled for subsequent week, however I really feel like that is going to be how I react to any cough or sore throat for the subsequent a number of months, and I’m exhausted serious about it. I don’t know the way to navigate this pandemic—particularly, the way to do it in order that my youngsters don’t get scared. I’ve usually been in a position to depart my persistent nervousness in a field when parenting, nevertheless it looks as if that is going to be notably laborious to do now.

On the time, C&F replied, partially:

I wish to start by saying this: Anybody who’s not anxious proper now’s in denial. That’s positive: If denial helps them to manage, I’m not criticizing them—so long as they’re additionally following the rules for social distancing, hand-washing, and different wise precautions. My husband, for example, who’s typically very anxious, insists he’s not anxious in any respect about this. Cool, I say, however you’re not going wherever. And he’s OK with that. There’s nothing neurotic about being terrified of one thing that’s really scary. So go simple on your self.

However stop Googling signs. There’s nothing to be gained from it. You now know what the signs of this virus are (they haven’t modified because the final time you appeared). If you’re already hunkering down with your loved ones at residence—and, whenever you do should exit, utilizing the best of care (the American Pink Cross affords security suggestions, and quite a lot of generally requested questions are answered right here and right here)—the very best factor you are able to do is take some deep breaths and take into consideration what to do to handle your nervousness. As a result of whereas it’s solely pure to really feel it, that doesn’t imply it’s important to let it overtake your life …

Care and Feeding’s recommendation from the long run:

It’s regular to really feel nervousness and concern about one thing that’s each largely unfamiliar and harmful. You may assist ease your considerations by taking all the mandatory precautions to maintain you and your loved ones protected. Apply accountable social distancing—which suggests limiting your time in public as a lot as potential–and put on a masks whenever you do go outdoor and on the uncommon event you may let somebody into your own home. It might be sensible to maintain up common appointments together with your therapist so you’ll be able to speak about your worries. Converse overtly together with your husband whenever you really feel your nervousness swelling; hopefully, he may also help you to get again on regular footing.

Your kids are too younger to understand a lot of what’s going on, however you continue to wish to just be sure you communicate to them from a spot of confidence and reassurance whenever you handle the modifications that they’re pressured to deal with. Clarify that you simply all gained’t be going outdoor a lot as a result of there’s a illness going round and also you don’t need them to catch it. Allow them to know that masks may also help preserve them protected. If you’re calm, your kids can be calm too.

On Could 1, 2020, “Muddled About Mom’s Day” wrote to Care and Feeding:

It is a query about dad and mom and grownup kids, however I’m hoping you’ll be able to assist. I’m a mid-30s lady, single, no youngsters. My dad and mom are simply over 70, and so they reside a number of hours away. They’re fortunately in good well being. I haven’t seen them for about two months due to the pandemic. My siblings are each married with a few youngsters, and everybody of their households is usually staying residence, together with the children. My siblings, who reside near my dad and mom, have been getting them groceries, and my dad and mom have been taking socially distanced walks exterior with them. Twice, they’ve gotten collectively for a meal at somebody’s home the place they promise that everybody is 6 ft away and washing their palms religiously. I had objections to those gatherings, however I let it go. To this point, everyone seems to be fortunately wholesome.

My mom needs to see me for Mom’s Day. I usually see her a few times a month, so this has been laborious for her. I believe she doesn’t see a lot threat in it since she’s been seeing my siblings often. She insists we might preserve the correct distance aside and would keep exterior, however in fact, individuals must go inside to make use of the restroom, the children are operating round, and so on. I’m nonetheless going into work a few times per week, albeit in a low-risk setting. I reside in an space with a a lot larger an infection charge than the place they reside. I additionally take care of nervousness. It was largely beneath management earlier than all this occurred, however now it’s … not. I spiral into what-ifs and worst-case situations at the very least as soon as a day. I’m engaged on that with a therapist, however I believe that is simply the way it’s going to be for some time.

So I assume my query is, how do I rationally assess the chance of a Mom’s Day go to with applicable safeguards when my mind is incapable of rationally assessing threat proper now? How harmful is that this proposal, actually? Relatedly, even when restrictions ease, I can’t see an finish to social distancing necessities till there’s a vaccine or at the very least an efficient remedy. How can I inform my mom I’m not coming for Mom’s Day once I don’t know when it will likely be protected to see her once more?

On the time, C&F replied:

Let me assess the chance for you, since you’re each emotionally compromised (in fact!) and already somebody grappling with nervousness. Don’t go. There’s nothing magical about Mom’s Day, which is about promoting greeting playing cards and in addition making individuals with horrible moms or deceased moms really feel terrible. You’re keen on your mom day by day, which is why you might have been attempting to guard her from the opportunity of inadvertent transmission of one thing that would finish her life. Your siblings have made totally different decisions, however these decisions are their very own. You reside in an space of upper viral focus, so it isn’t unreasonable or paranoid to like your mom sufficient to trigger her momentary ache as a way to threat bringing the potential of nice, nice hurt to an space that thus far has been fortunate sufficient to keep away from a significant cluster.

I wish to see my mom on Mom’s Day too. One among my dearest associates has a mom who might already not be with us subsequent Mom’s Day, and day by day she loves her mom by not getting on a collection of planes to go see her, nevertheless a lot she is determined to. That is the crummy approach you get to like your mom this 12 months. I’m so sorry. As to the way to clarify it to her, you might have two primary choices: mendacity and the reality. You may fake you’re coming after which announce you might be flat in your again with the flu and can’t probably come. It will open you as much as “Properly, we are able to fake subsequent Sunday is Mom’s Day.” Not an awesome resolution. A greater lie, which, like all profitable lies, is tied to the reality, is to say you requested your physician their opinion, and so they begged you to not go. A physician would definitely let you know to not go; we’re simply skipping the intermediary.

Or simply inform the reality: that you simply don’t wish to threat making her sick, or any of your different kin sick, that you’re following the suggestions of skilled virologists, that you simply desperately want you had been there, and that you’d like to have a Skype or speakerphone dinner together with your prolonged household that night time. In the event that they suppose you might be merciless or heartless or paranoid or anxious, allow them to. You’re doing the fitting factor. You’re daughter.

Care and Feeding’s recommendation from the long run:

Contemplating that you simply reside in an space with excessive an infection charges, you’re nonetheless going to work and your dad and mom are of their 70s, it actually isn’t sensible so that you can plan a conventional go to so that you can see your mom for Mom’s Day. It might be tough to be separated out of your dad and mom this lengthy, however it’s important to conserving them protected. There’s a compromise, although your mom might not prefer it. You may drive to see your dad and mom and keep within the automotive as you communicate to them, whereas they stand a major distance away. You may solely pull one thing like that off in case you can belief that neither of them (otherwise you) gained’t throw warning to the wind and go in for a hug. When you can deal with a very socially distanced go to together with your dad and mom–outdoor solely, no going inside their residence—then maybe you’ll be able to see them. In any other case, you’ll have to politely clarify to your mother that as dangerous as you’d like to go to, it’s important that you simply keep away as a way to shield their well being. You may nonetheless ship a beautiful present and have a video name together with her on her special occasion, however throughout occasions like this, we’re required to remain aside. You’d by no means forgive your self in case you went to go to your dad and mom and contaminated one or each of them with COVID. Do a distanced go to or none in any respect.