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I Would possibly’ve Caught My Nanny In a Very Compromising Video. I’m So Conflicted.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting recommendation column. Have a query for Care and Feeding? Submit it right here.

Pricey Care and Feeding, 

After months of looking, our household lately employed a nanny for our son. The nanny is unbelievable with him and we really feel fortunate to have discovered her. It’s essential to start out by saying we pay our nanny a aggressive but customary charge for our space.

Not too long ago, a neighbor shared a video on the Nextdoor app of somebody stealing a meals supply off of their porch. After watching the video, I used to be shocked to see our nanny within the video. I’ve watched the video dozens of instances, and I’ll admit it’s very blurry. You’ll be able to’t make out the face. Assume constructing safety digicam high quality, not ring-camera video high quality. Half of me is saying it’s my nanny within the video stealing the meals. The opposite half of me is saying it’s unattainable for it to truly be her. How can somebody whom we belief with our son daily and who has by no means stolen from us be able to that?

Ought to I confront her about this? If I do confront her and it’s not truly her within the video, how can we probably transfer ahead with a relationship if she thinks that I consider she stole meals? And whether it is her, is that this offense dangerous sufficient to fireside her? I’m so conflicted. Please assist!


Pricey Confused,

You simply don’t appear clear sufficient about who’s within the video to confront your nanny. Sure, that may be the kind of factor which will name somebody’s integrity into query, however in the event you’re going to make an accusation like that about somebody, you could be completely certain it’s them.

I’m all the time inclined to surprise if somebody who steals meals is hungry. You might be paying her a better-than-average charge, however the price of dwelling has skyrocketed and even a “aggressive” wage for a nanny can fall in need of what a family must function. However I don’t need to deal with a doable protection of this lady as a result of you may’t even say with all certainty that it’s her. Be conscious of your possessions in the way in which you have to be anytime a brand new particular person begins spending time in your house, however attempt to drop your suspicion over the meals. If all the things appears to be on the up and up together with your nanny, proceed having fun with her providers and let this one go.

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Pricey Care and Feeding,

I’m a bit perplexed and anxious about my 4-year-old child’s consuming habits, and I might use some recommendation. So right here’s the state of affairs: Day-after-day, I put together a lunchbox for my child, full of what I consider to be a nutritious and engaging meal. Nevertheless, after I decide her up from faculty, she’s barely touched her lunch, solely having eaten two or three bites, after which she begins crying, saying she’s hungry. I’ve tried completely different methods, from involving her in meal planning to switching up the meals I pack, however nothing appears to make a distinction. I’ve additionally requested her if she needs something particular in her lunch, however she hasn’t been in a position to articulate any preferences. I’m nervous about her vitamin and emotional well-being. What ought to I do?


Pricey Involved,

4-year-olds will be very choosy eaters. It’s doable that your daughter simply doesn’t like what you’re packing regardless of being unable to articulate what she’d reasonably eat. Have you ever tried packing the meals that you simply see her eat at dwelling? She additionally might not like how her lunchbox objects stack up in comparison with what her associates are having; ask her what her buddies carry with them and if she’d prefer to attempt that. Or perhaps she needs to pattern the school-provided lunch for some time as a substitute of taking her personal.

Discuss to your daughter about how essential it’s to eat sufficient of her lunch in order that she doesn’t get hungry. (You would possibly even attempt studying some youngsters’s books about consuming together with her to get her actually pondering and speaking concerning the subject.) If these methods don’t work, think about having a dialog together with her pediatrician to verify she’s getting her dietary wants met. They will help you determine if the problem is critical sufficient to warrant taking her to a behavioral therapist for extra assist in attending to the underside of this.

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Pricey Care and Feeding, 

My long-time good friend “Jennifer” takes concern together with her older daughter. “Mia” appears to me like a standard 6-year-old. Nevertheless, Jennifer treats Mia like she’s an issue. Not too long ago Mia had hassle with persistent uncontrollable bedwetting, and after attempting a wide range of options, Jennifer instructed me, “The ball is in Mia’s court docket.” One other time, Mia began sobbing so onerous that her faculty referred to as Jennifer for assist. Jennifer’s response was, “She does that, don’t fear.” On many events, Jennifer has described Mia as “oversensitive.”

Final 12 months, Jennifer’s father identified that Mia hardly ever smiles in photographs anymore, and that he’s nervous that Mia is depressed. Jennifer’s father will be very essential, so she took his remark as an assault on her parenting and dismissed the half about Mia. I feel Jennifer is emotionally neglecting Mia, however I don’t have youngsters or spend that a lot time with Mia. Am I blowing this out of proportion, or is that this heinous habits? Ought to I say one thing to Jennifer, figuring out she is going to most likely be offended and defensive? Ought to I let it go? I’m shedding respect for Jennifer due to the way in which she treats Mia.

—Possibly a Unhealthy Good friend

Pricey Possibly,

You’re actually not a nasty good friend for noticing that Jennifer, on the very least, appears to be out of contact together with her daughter’s emotional wants. You’ll be a nasty good friend, nonetheless, in the event you failed to assist draw her consideration to what appears to be occurring with Mia. Discover a time when you may communicate one-on-one with minimal interruptions and let her know that you simply’ve seen some issues that you simply need to share together with her.

It is a delicate dialog so attempt to not are available in too sturdy with accusations or judgment towards Jennifer as it’s going to doubtless shut down any likelihood at a productive speak. Inform her what you’ve noticed about Mia’s emotional state and that you simply suppose she might have some assist. Gently share all of the examples that you simply included in your letter and clarify that her daughter doesn’t appear to be as joyful anymore and that you’re nervous about her. You’ll be able to say instantly, “I do know you suppose that Mia is oversensitive, however that doesn’t imply that she’s not hurting.” Don’t be afraid to carry your issues as much as her repeatedly till she takes them severely. Take into account speaking to mutual associates of yours about their very own observations and in the event that they really feel equally to you, encourage them to additionally communicate up.

Pricey Care and Feeding, 

My daughter is 20 and in her third “hole” 12 months. She inherited a big sum of cash from my late father at 18 and regardless of everybody pleading together with her to pay attention and take into consideration school and her future, she determined to journey as a substitute.

The issue is the cash goes to expire quickly and there isn’t any room for her at her father’s or our new houses. My ex is promoting his home to maneuver right into a 55-plus group along with his associate and my husband and I are relocating this summer season for work to a high-cost space. We’re shifting from a four-bedroom home to a two-bedroom and are fortunate to even be capable of afford that. Our 12-year-old and 11-year-old sons must share a room. There isn’t something my husband and I can do about it, however my daughter refuses to face actuality. Our conversations finish in yelling matches. She thinks her father and I are the worst for not freezing our lives in place on her whims and “punishing” her decisions to spend her cash touring reasonably than school.

I remorse my father left her to gather the cash at 18 and didn’t depart a clause that it must be for her training, however that doesn’t change the actual fact it occurred and my daughter refused to hearken to a phrase of recommendation that her father and I mentioned. I instructed my daughter we might put her belongings in storage for her however she wanted to determine her life. If she comes dwelling, she has 4 months to get a job, get monetary savings, and discover roommates. She berates me on the telephone as a substitute. I’m drained and don’t know what to do. Assist, please.

—Transferring Troubles

Pricey Transferring,

It looks as if you’ve already received a plan: Your daughter can come dwelling for 4 months, get monetary savings, and get a spot of her personal. That may be a cheap period of time and you might be being beneficiant by permitting her that. Inform her that your plan is ultimate and that you simply aren’t wavering. It isn’t that you’re selecting to not make an area for her, you and her father merely can’t accommodate her anymore. If she continues to disrespect you, you’ve each proper to inform her that she will’t keep at your own home in any respect. Your daughter made her mattress and now, she has to lie in it. She must be taught to deal with the implications of her actions. Whereas it’s pure that you’re involved about her well-being and her future, you might be now not chargeable for tending to them, that’s on her.


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