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I Simply Obtained a Very Troubling “Save the Date” From My Cousin

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Expensive Care and Feeding,

Rising up, I used to be very near my mother’s aspect of the household, together with my uncle and his three children. We moved to the opposite aspect of the nation 25+ years in the past, and I’ve ended up staying on this aspect of the nation as an grownup with my family (9-year-old lady, 5yo boy). I’ve stayed in contact with my mother’s household over time by means of Fb and such, however I haven’t seen most of them for a decade plus. I simply obtained a Save the Date from my cousin Amelia, and now a state of affairs has come to gentle: Her fiancé has been grooming her for the higher a part of a decade, since she was 14, and my uncle knew about it, did nothing, and is now blaming his daughter for the state of affairs. Solely Amelia’s brother from her household goes and so far as I do know, I’m the one prolonged member of the family invited.

My query is twofold: First, can we go? I’m afraid that going would sign our approval of the state of affairs, however equally nervous that not going will additional isolate Amelia and reinforce her fiancé’s story that he’s the one one who loves and cares about her. Second, if we do go, what, if something, do I say to my almost-10-year-old daughter concerning the state of affairs to each warn and shield her at this wedding ceremony with a identified predator? Not going with out the children isn’t an choice. It’s all or none of us. How can I be there for Amelia so she is aware of I’m right here if she ever must get out? Is my greater precedence to my very own youngster and her security?

—Conflicted Mother

Expensive Conflicted,

I personally wouldn’t go to the marriage, in case you’re sure that the state of affairs is what you say, particularly since you say you’d need to deliver your children with you. You may name or write to Amelia and let her know that you could’t attend, however you care about her very a lot and can all the time be there for her if she needs or wants to achieve out. For her to imagine you, after all, it needs to be greater than empty phrases; greater than a one-time communication.

Exhibiting up for her on an ongoing foundation will hopefully assist her see you as somebody who cares, somebody she will be able to belief, and I feel that’s going to be much more significant—and probably impactful—than attending a marriage after which possibly by no means speaking to her once more. You may attempt to keep in contact, providing kindness and friendship so long as you’ve a approach to attain her. And if she ever does speak in confidence to you about her relationship, clearly it’s best to chorus from judging or blaming her as her personal father has, and help her nonetheless you possibly can.

—Nicole

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