Expensive Prudence is Slate’s recommendation column. Submit questions right here. (It’s nameless!)
I broke up with “Jon” as a result of our lives have been incompatible. He needed youngsters and I didn’t. We broke up with no onerous emotions and he ended up getting married to “Sue” a mutual pal of ours. All of us drifted aside. I traveled and labored abroad whereas Jon and Sue settled down and had a son collectively. Jon lately reconnected with me over social media. He confessed his marriage was a sham, he needed to go away however couldn’t due to his son, and by no means had it so good as after we have been collectively. He needed to fulfill up and relive our good instances collectively. I messaged Jon that wasn’t a good suggestion and he wanted to show inward to seek out the answer to his unhappiness whether or not it was marriage counseling or a divorce. I’d have simply left it at that.
My dilemma is that on social media, Sue and Jon introduced they have been attempting for one more child after Sue final miscarried. The miscarriage was proper across the time that Jon was messaging me. I used to be by no means near Sue however I’d positively need to know if my companion was attempting to cheat on me whereas I used to be going via a medical disaster. I actually wouldn’t need to go away somebody within the lurch with a kindergartener and child whereas their companion performed round however I’m additionally leery of getting shot because the messenger right here. What ought to I do? Make an nameless submit to Sue’s social media that she must examine on Jon as a result of he’s attempting to cheat on her? Inform Sue straight? I haven’t instructed any of our buddies as a result of I don’t need the story to get out with out me wanting it.
—Proper within the DMs
Expensive Proper within the DMs,
Straightforward: Keep out of it. Folks do all types of dumb issues when they’re having a tough time. Marriage and children are powerful. Assume and hope that Jon was simply “having a second” that you simply have been proper to avoid. If he finally ends up being a serial sneaker, Sue will put it collectively in her personal time.
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I’m 24 years previous and have come to a crossroads in my life and relationship. My boyfriend and I’ve been relationship for a yr and a half. To be sincere, I’ve been not sure of our relationship prior to now, however we’ve lately reached such a superb, comfy place. I feel we might even be in love. He’s respectful and reliable. We’re each musicians. We hardly combat and revel in the identical issues however nonetheless problem one another. A lot of the packing containers are checked off apart from one.
I need to transfer away from our hometown and provides my dream a shot whereas he desires to remain put. I do know he’s the extra accountable one, however I additionally know that if I compromise my life for a person, I could remorse it down the road. I defined this to him a couple of months in the past, and we determined to get pleasure from our remaining time collectively earlier than we have been pulled out separate methods. He doesn’t need to do lengthy distance which is comprehensible. A chance lately arose for me to maneuver to California within the upcoming yr with buddies to room with, so I began planning and had my thoughts set whereas nonetheless wishing behind my thoughts that issues would work out between us. Nevertheless, I knew I couldn’t keep for him as a result of I felt that there was no manner I may transfer ahead with my life staying in the identical place. We reside within the smallest metropolis shy of alternative or pleasure. I reside with my dad and mom, work at my household’s restaurant, and have a level I don’t use. I really feel caught right here. Although I like my hometown and household, I’ve lived right here all of my life and really feel I’ve overstayed my welcome. He lives along with his dad and mom too however has began his profession. He has a long-term plan to save lots of sufficient cash, make investments, purchase a home, be financially secure, and so on. I feel that’s so admirable of him, but it surely additionally makes me really feel ashamed of wanting to present myself a shot someplace new. Nonetheless, my thoughts was made as much as transfer and face the implications.
That was till a couple of days in the past when he requested me to maneuver in with him in a two-bedroom condominium someplace in Texas. I used to be utterly caught off guard. I may image a future with this man, a snug little life for us, however now I’m left questioning if I ought to settle for his supply over the chance I had set in my thoughts. If he’s keen to compromise, ought to I be too? It’s not precisely the place I had in thoughts, however a minimum of it’s one thing. Will I be full of remorse down the road? Will I remorse sacrificing my relationship for a hopeless foolish little dream? Will I remorse compromising my dream for my relationship? I do not know what to do. It looks like both manner, I lose.
Expensive Hopeless Dreamer,
You’re occupied with your dilemma completely the fallacious manner. You’ve choices! Choices are good! Choices are superb! And it seems like you’ve gotten two actually viable ones in entrance of you. Each get you out of your hometown, which was your major objective. So now you simply have to drill down on the small print, and work out what you actually need at this level in your (younger) life.
The chance of shifting to “someplace in Texas”—and I do suppose it issues so much the place this someplace is—would get you out of your dad and mom’ home and maintain your relationship intact. Your boyfriend sounds good and your life collectively is comfy, and also you’d get to have that help even whilst you set off for one thing new. However, I see just a little purple flag if you referred to his supply of shifting to “someplace in Texas” as a “compromise.” Is it? It sounds extra like a shock emergency plan so he doesn’t lose you, sprung on you with out your enter. Why Texas? Do you need to reside there? Did this proposal really feel like a gesture towards what you need, or only a gesture? Why a two-bedroom? (I imply, that’s wonderful, however I’m curious why you talked about this element.) These items are all vital!
In the meantime, California provides one thing utterly totally different: new place, residing with buddies after college for what I assume is the primary time, setting out on completely new adventures. And sure, certainly new boyfriends. As somebody who moved to a brand new metropolis after faculty with one single pal and solely a imprecise concept of what my life may transform, I can inform you that I realized so much about myself and what I needed my life to be like by being by myself for some time. It was good to not have to fret about anybody else’s desires, and even how they needed or didn’t need to spend cash.
To pursue both one although you will must free your self of what seems like guilt for not following the most secure path in entrance of you, which might be staying in your hometown and seeing how issues play out together with your boyfriend, who’s 1000 % extra accountable and future-thinking than I or anybody I dated at your age. It’s your life, you’re free to do what you need with it. I’ll say, there aren’t a number of alternatives to simply leap into the unknown. If that prospect is thrilling to you, I’d advocate you do it now.
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I will likely be getting married in a couple of months. We’re planning and paying for the marriage ourselves. Our save-the-date playing cards went out a couple of weeks in the past and my mom known as me as a result of her sister didn’t get one. I defined that we weren’t inviting my aunt. She is a beautiful girl, however she had a daughter who was the identical age as me who handed away after we have been in highschool. My cousin and I have been very shut and having her mom at my marriage ceremony will remind me of how tragically my cousin’s life was lower brief. I additionally suppose it is perhaps onerous for my aunt to attend my marriage ceremony. I’m positive my milestones make her consider all of the issues her daughter by no means acquired to do. My mother could be very upset as a result of we’re inviting the remainder of the prolonged household. She says my aunt’s emotions will likely be damage. I’ve tried to clarify my causes to my mother, however in some way by the top of each dialog about this, I find yourself trying just like the unhealthy man. I’d like to think about a technique to make my mother perceive my place, or a minimum of to simply again off.
—It’s a Marriage ceremony, Not a Funeral
Expensive It’s a Marriage ceremony,
Oof. I hear you saying that you simply really feel you might be doing this, a minimum of partly, on your aunt’s emotions, however I’ve to say that I aspect together with your mother on this one. I do know there’s a “we’re paying, we will do what we would like” tautology at work right here, however given that you’re inviting the remainder of your prolonged household, it sounds doubly merciless to not a minimum of lengthen the invitation to your aunt. If it doesn’t really feel proper to her, she will be able to decline. And let me inform you: As somebody who has had not one however two weddings, you’ll be too busy specializing in your self and your companion to get distracted by your aunt’s presence.
I’m bisexual and genderqueer, and I reside with my long-term companion, additionally genderqueer. I’ve a really uncomfortable relationship with my mom on account of her alcoholism and drug abuse and the truth that she stole my id to open bank cards earlier than I turned 18. She additionally waged a hate-mail marketing campaign in opposition to me once I got here out and introduced a number of abusive males into my life rising up. I now reside out of the country and restrict our contact to telephone calls on birthdays and holidays. She lately moved and, throughout one in every of our vacation calls, talked about that she’d discovered a field stuffed with letters, poems, and footage from my first highschool boyfriend.